Fidel Castro: Back from the Dead and only 54% Cyborg

As some of you may recall, four years ago international news agencies were abuzz with the news that the lovable, perennial dictator of Cuba had collapsed and was rushed to the hospital after suffering a medical emergency of unknown etiology. His elderly younger brother, Raul Modesto Castro, reluctantly took the burden of command upon his shoulders until his brother’s course of treatment was completed and he was inevitably restored to health. Of course I assumed the cigar-touting generalissimo to be dead with only the opacity of the Sugarcane Curtain keeping the mythical man-god on the throne of power; it appears, however, that my usually astute assumptions about topics upon which I am completely uninformed proved to be erroneous.

According to some reports, the sprightly Castro is again leaping tall buildings in a single bound and thwarting the nuclear ambitions of the evil capitalist agenda with the steel of his digitally enhanced robo-vision. I personally have seen him breathe a gout of roaring fire to stop the invasion of Cuban shores by Floridian refugees and then single-handedly douse the raging inferno with ten million gallons of his own urine (which is conveniently also a class 4 oil dispersant and consequently saved the Gulf of Mexico from BP’s toxic plume of leaking sludge).

The dictator’s return to power is a testament to the virtues of communist medicine and the resiliency of mid-20th century technology, which demonstrates that a man can survive for more than three decades with a 1953 Chevy Bel Air in place of his heart, kidneys, and lungs.