Biology of the Superman

Things I Learned Today

I have been fighting a cold for a few days now. I find it strange that I caught this cold, considering I have been mostly locked up alone in my apartment for about a week. I worked in food service and health care simultaneously for two years and I don’t think I caught a single cold in all that time. If I did it was so minor that I don’t even remember it happening. I bet it was the baby… I was around a baby last weekend. She was cute but an obviously disease-carrying fiend bent on my eternal discomfort; seriously, my nose is all stuffed up. It’s really annoying.

Dr. Spock finds Mein Schatzs aproach to human biology highly illogical

Dr. Spock finds Mein Schatz's approach to human biology highly illogical.

I have been studying a lot of biology lately, trying to get myself ready to go back to school. I am working on metabolism right now: probably the most popular area of biology that most people know absolutely nothing about, although there are many pseudo-experts out there. I find the most challenging aspect to be the long lists of multi-syllabic proteins that catalyze every minute transfer of energy. I suppose that sort of memorization would be fairly unnecessary to understanding the process, which is one excuse I am using for not bothering to do so. What I have found so amazing is how nearly every structure within the cell is composed of basically the same ingredients, and those ingredients are basically sugar. The body can use a lot of things to build itself. It can break down proteins, fats, polysaccharides – just about anything we put in it – to make what it needs to operate. What it really comes down to is a matter of efficiency and waste.

Truly, we might be better off ingesting only a grey slurry of sugar, vitamins, a little protein, and a random assortment of metals. We’d have to have a certain amount of extraneous, indigestible fibrous material thrown in there to keep the intestines happy, and a little water wouldn’t hurt either. I’m sure if we practiced for a few months, we could even get it down without gagging every other mouthful. There would definitely need to be a series of test slurries, and a few thousand people might die in the experimentation process, but just imagine the end result: a perfectly efficient metabolic fuel, processed down the molecular level to be completely balanced in every way for every need.

Then again, every person has different demands on every day of his life, so there would need to be a lot of different versions of the perfectly balanced serum in order to get the optimum efficiency. Scientists might have to sacrifice a few million more to chronic malnutrition and at the very least intestinal discomfort before the computer was developed that could perfectly portion out the exact right mixture for the exact metabolic conditions for any person at any time in any situation, given not only present conditions but the entire history of their lives leading up to that point, as well as genetic predispositions that might require knowledge of every member of their family, and in fact the entire human race, going back to the beginning of the human species and beyond to perfectly account for every possible contingency.

Screw evolution; we’ve got the solution.