I’m here to fix the cable.. and collect $5bn

Our scene opens with a long-haired, over-tanned meathead in a utility belt who stands on the front porch ogling a ditsy blonde inside. Sounds like the start of a sleazy adult film, right?

Well in this case our visitor doesn’t want to fix the cable, he wants $5bn. And he’s asking with a straight face.

According to ubiquitous cable news, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

I, for one, love this idea. It’s got the sort of smarmy brilliance to it that only a social pariah could properly voice. What better way to start shaking our idiot citizens from their deluded faith in government than by forcing them to acknowledge and answer, one way or another, the cries of a massive industry that just happens to be unwelcome in polite conversation?

Naturally I hope they’re turned down. Porn industry lobbyists probably have no pull whatsoever (or else why such an expensive and drawn out People vs Larry Flynt trial), but for them to request $5bn straight up will hopefully highlight the outrageous nature of any such bailout.