OPEC: Oil underweight, needs to fatten up.

As TSJ enthusiasts are well aware, Obesity is a major problem in the United States and abroad. While many fat folks choose to hold off dieting until the new year, oil has been losing weight for some time. Luckily, concerned by crude oil’s anorexic state, OPEC has intervened on its behalf.

“It’s less than meets the eye,” says Lawrence Eagles, JPMorgan Chase & Co’s global head of commodities research. Previous attempts by OPEC to curtail crude’s dwindling fatness, have have had virtually no effect and this latest move by oil producers may be similarly ineffective.

Experts say crude oil’s underweight issues may continue to influence its close friend, gasoline.

“When this baby hits rock bottom, she’s going to breakdown all over the Gasolines,”  remarked one commentator, “I’m talkin’ French model, skin n’ bones, $1.00/gallon gasoline here!”

Energy prices continue to set new records.

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