Things I Learned Today.

I bought a new bicycle last Friday. It looks really fast. I still can’t ride it for another month, but I have it in my room, safe and sound, away from the vagaries of garage life. I rode the exercise bike at work today, while hooked up to the electro-stimulation machine, using the ultrasound machine on a wart on my finger, and watching a zombie movie on the office television. I promised to report on the supposed curative properties of the peso-electric effect, and although I have to say the fracture has begun to feel considerably more solid, I have no control with which to compare my results. From a purely non-scientific perspective, I would like to anecdotally give the peso-electric effect a positive review on the grounds that it doesn’t seem to hurt any worse. I did try to do a pushup today, and managed one on my knees. I feel like a real man with those credentials. My mental state is running on a more even keel this week. I suppose resigning myself to the reality that I probably won’t get what I want might have that effect.

I’m watching Jeopardy while typing this article, although it is a bit difficult to concentrate on the writing, when there are such important answers to question. Alternatively, I could flip between nearly endless replaying of political commercials on almost every channel, iterating again and again the same watered down lies. Luckily, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is coming on afterward, and although I wouldn’t put it beneath the relentless political machine to roll out the rhetoric for a single hour of childlike innocence with a catchy piano riff, I’m still holding out for the general goodwill and decency of the network to curtail their efforts. Wait, what? Up next is You’re Not Elected, Charlie Brown. I just saw a political commercial in the middle of a cartoon meant for children. This world is circling the drain.

Going back to national politics, the outcome of which are more or less decided in Washington State without a single vote being cast, considering the liberal bent of most of this state’s population, I am intrigued by the idea of a national crisis, which many pundits, especially on the conservative end of the spectrum, prognosticate will strike within the first year if McCain should win and almost certainly within six months of an Obama presidency. Perhaps its just my mild obsession with the genre, but I’m somewhat convinced the next challenge to American sovereignty will be at the hands of mindless brain-eaters, diseased corpses risen from the grave bent on reducing our society to a burning pile of rubble and homeless house-pets. Oh, didn’t she lose in the primaries? Political slander aside, I think it is imperative to be prepared for just such a zombie emergency, and, since my walled compound with bomb shelter and guard towers is still stuck in committee, precautions must be taken in the home.

An easy and simple way to protect one’s self and loved ones from hordes of undead devourers can be found in the garage. Keeping several gallons of gasoline handy may serve to be quite important in the event of mass zombie uprising. Not only can it be used for a final, hair-raising, last-minute escape, gasoline, when combined with common Styrofoam creates jellied gasoline, a simple version of napalm. Cast over individual zombies or groups of the fiends, jellied gasoline can burn at temperatures nearing 1200 degrees Celsius, and can spread between targets upon contact.

On second thought, upon watching Linus van Pelt deftly open a mailbox several feet above his head, I need a utility blanket.