The Sagamore Journal

Fryer Tuck would like to express his amazement at Tiger Woods’ miraculous victory at the U.S. open, where after a playing 91 holes (5 rounds +1 hole) it was revealed that Tiger was playing with stress fractures and a torn ACL in his left leg.

While what Tiger did is no doubt amazing, Fryer Tuck also sees this as the very reason golf should not be considered a true sport. If a guy who is basically on one leg can win one of the biggest events in the game, then to me that can’t be a true sport. Any other sport would be absolutely impossible to play with such an injury (see Dennis Dixon the University of Oregon QB last year) let alone play well enough to win a major championship. Thus while Tiger toughness was truly legendary, it also proves that golf is more of a leisurely hobby than an actual sport.

P.S. Dennis Dixon was an idiot for trying to play on that leg, but even worse was Bellotti letting him play. It does not take a genius to know that you cannot play the game of football with an injury as serious as a torn ACL. Of course Fryer Tuck would expect nothing less from the classless University of Phil Knight… I mean Oregon.

My friends, The Bruce would like to take this opportunity to issue a general update on Ben Affleck, our modern day Mohammad in sport coat.

Apparently unfazed by sage wisdom offered up in The Front Porch: Ben Affleck/Sudan bad for salads, Affleck will be appearing as a special correspondent in the Thursday, June 26, airing of Nightline. Please, everyone stop what you are doing, plan a barbecue, and support an artist who’s truly making a difference. Paul Newman, whilst spicing up many a summertime feast is simultaneously helping to make the world a better place. Meanwhile, Ben Affleck is accomplishing neither of these things.

Make art or make my food taste better, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Today I woke up somewhat regretting the big day yesterday, but still hoping to make some good time. I did discover Hill City today, however. While its namesake is actually some founder named Hill, it is also extremely hilly country, as I discovered most of northern Kansas to be. The heat and the hills shortened my day to only about 57 miles, and I camped at Webster State Park, right on a reservoir. The water was dingy and gross, but a quick dip livened me up and a relaxing afternoon helped recharge me. Some folks from the Kansas Tourist Bureau took my picture riding my bike up and down one of the roads in the park, so when you get your Kansas travel brochures in the mail next year, make sure to look for me. I’m the one one the bike.

Jeffery Barrier had what he thought was a brilliant plan to surreptitiously photograph nude women in an Ohio tanning salon. That is, until the cops got involved.

After vehemently denying the voyeur/photography accusations by saying he didn’t have a camera, an evidently deep cavity search revealed that Barrier had hidden a camera phone up his arse.

An enormous mugshot and affidavit accompany this report from The Smoking Gun. Pay special attention to the second page of the investigation report.

We are left wondering whether this style of evidence tampering was part of the plan all along. In any case, it is worth mentioning that all official reports seem to have overlooked the anatomical fact that the phone must actually have been hidden in Jeff’s rectum, not the muscle known as the anus. Perhaps it was an effort to keep people from saying “..rectum? It damn near killed ‘im!”

Yesterday, the Government Accountability Office issued a recommendation that the much disputed, multi million dollar, Air Force Tanker deal awarded to Northrop Grumman EADS last February be re opened for a new round of bidding. Citing several reasons, most notably that the Air Force awarded Northrup “extra credit” for designing a plane that exceeded the requirements when in fact previous documents assert that designs exceeding those requirements would not be given special consideration.

TSJ readers will recall from our first post on the matter, The Bruce claimed that it appeared the free market had run its course and thus the best design at the best cost had been chosen. The GAO made its recommendation based on inconsistencies within the Air Force’s decision process, and in so far as I understand, not because of free market tampering. But this does bring up an interesting point, the market may be free, but is it ever truly fair? If a company, or in this case the Air Force changes the rules of engagement mid stream, can we still have faith in the free market? If not, is this a case for regulation? And if indeed we regulate, where do we stop? It’s a slippery slope, and one I’m not sure I can ascend on my own..

RECENTLY, in a first of its kind study, Swedish scientists used brain scanners to explore the differences in the brains of homo vs. heterosexual individuals. It was discovered that the brains gay men are of the same structure of those of heterosexual women. Since brain development takes place in the womb, scientists argue that indeed, people are born gay.

People are all born with unique dispositions of character, hell – my son is like a mini The Bruce… In my opinion, you can’t choose who you are, but you can choose what you are. If you are gay, it is a lifestyle choice, not an uncontrollable circumstance.*

It remains to be seen whether we can score one for The Fish and Wildlife Service (Dept of Interior), but kudos go out to those brave civil servants who have issued legal protection to seven oil companies exploring in northwest Alaska if they annoy the wildlife.

Now less than a month ago, the White House offered its most recent stance on polar bears, saying that they’re a threatened species due to global warming.

Naturally, environmental groups whine that the regulations give oil companies a blank check to harass the polar bear or walruses in the Chukchi Sea. Heaven forbid.

So much the better, I say. Polar bears do some pretty severe harrassing of their own. Seems like man should have just as much right to self-preservation, does it not?

I started the day a little later than usual, since it has been so cold lately, and the early starts have been less than pleasant. I’ve found that the riding I have gotten in before nine the last few days has been difficult and strenuous, and I have had trouble regulating my temperature, constantly taking clothes off and putting them back on again. So, I slept in.

TODAY, as reported by the Associated Press, the Grand Old Party successfully blocked Democrat backed legislation to apply a 25% tax on the windfall profits of US oil companies. Apparently the tax would have been assessed based on what profits the legislature determines to be beyond resonable expectation. If this legislation had passed I would now be telling you that the American dream is over, however this is not the case, thanks to a well executed Republican filibuster.

Folks, listen, because I’m only going to say this once – continue to vote for liberal candidates, including – dare I say it- the iconic, dyed in the wool liberal Barack Obama, and in the not too distant future, the American dream will be dead, and it will be your fault.

Here is a lovely tidbit from this speech by Lew Rockwell, founder and president of Auburn’s Ludwig von Mises Institute, presented on June 6th.

You can line up 100 professional war historians and political scientists and talk about the twentieth century, and not one is likely to mention the role of the Fed in funding U.S. militarism.

And yet it is true: the Fed is the institution that has created the money to fund the wars. In this role, it has solved a major problem that the state has confronted for all of human history. A state without money or a state that must tax its citizens to raise money for its wars is necessarily limited in its imperial ambitions. Keep in mind that this is only a problem for the state. It is not a problem for the people.

The inability of the state to fund its unlimited ambitions is worth more for the people than every kind of legal check and balance. It is more valuable than all the constitutions ever devised.

I am the engine that muscles and burns
the engine that cranks and turns up the
endless peaks and down winding roads;
I am the engine that never corrodes.
Foot before mile, inch before foot,
you can’t count my horses,
you can’t measure my torque, because
I am the engine of unknowable force.

~

Nearly every pundit will tell you, filling up your car for $4/gallon is here to stay. Perhaps these are the same people who claimed last year that if you didn’t buy a house, you’d be priced out of the market forever. And now, as real estate prices slip steadily downward we are watching the market adjust. You see, this is called supply, demand, and market adjustment and it will happen with oil, just as it happened with houses. So don’t listen to liberal media claims of “$4.00 is forever” they’re only trying to depress you – and the economy.

Oh, and one more thing, oil’s been doing this for the last half century. Let’s learn from history for a change, eh?

…And speaking of the BBC, that bastion of underhanded inequality was caught today polling people via SIRUIS and the Web on what Obama’s presumptive democratic nomination means for the world’s black people and their history.

As a true conservative, Don Lando contends that any human “progress” made was immediately invalidated by this disgusting tendency to segregate society by race.

To suggest that any race of people is unified or empowered by the success of a single individual who happens to share similar physical attributes is both fallacious and counterproductive.

We would do better to poll diabetics on their thoughts regarding the candidates. At least health care is a political issue.

Reading between the lines it is clear that the BBC does not see inherently equal individuals among America’s citizens, but rather segregated races and creeds that must compete with one another for significance.

As with the Don Imus debacles, it is disconcerting to see third parties become involved and presume to speak collectively for and against minority groups. It is precisely this collectivist mindset that is at the heart of racism.